Loving Life's Moments: January 2017

Saturday Morning August 27th 2016, I was sitting on the couch watching my favorite show, Criminal Minds. My phone rang, it said "Twinkie" which is my twin sister. I knew she was at my nephews soccer game so I figured she was calling to tell me they had won their game. I answered the phone and it was her mom Anna on the other end. She asked me if I was sitting down, I could barely hear her so I went to the back of the house and stood in the hallway. She told me to sit down. So I did, right there in the hallway. She said she had some bad news, and said something about the coroners office. She kept saying the coroners office and have the body, and at first I couldn't for the life of me understand what she was saying, and then all of a sudden I heard her say "Josh" and I knew. The coroner's office had Josh's body and they were looking for family to identify him. I screamed at her to "don't say that" "Stop saying that" "its not funny" and she said she was sorry but it was true. I completely lost it. Started screaming and running to the front of the house. Handed my phone off because it couldn't possibly be true. Why would the coroners office have Josh's body? I had just seen him a week or so ago. This has to be a mistake. I was screaming and crying the most horrific sounding gut wrenching cry jumping up and down stomping my feet as if I was throwing a tantrum. I couldn't think straight, couldn't understand what had just happened.
The next thing I remember doing is insisting on calling my sister, and then my best friend. I needed to talk to them, I needed to make sure I wasn't having a horrible nightmare. I remember calling my Pastor and his wife, and she answered and when I was able to stop crying and blubbering long enough to tell her what happened. I just remember hearing the words coming out of my mouth but not really believing them. I then called the coroners office, and talked to the investigator, and she told me what she knew, and described him and had me identify him as my brother over the phone. It was horrible, when the realization that you are talking to a coroner who is describing your bothers dead body sinks in. Next I had to call family and let them know what happened, and then I had to go see my dad. I had to walk up to him and tell him that my brother was dead. The day is still a fog in my head but I do know that I spent the entire day in tears, crying my eyes out, uncontrollable sobs, even when I closed my eyes and tried to rest I cried, my head hurt, and I wasn't only emotionally in pain I was physically in pain too.
I spent the next week in business mode. I have always been the planner, the leader, and so it would be no different in planning what would happen next to my brother. I had to jump through a few hoops to get his body released to me. With the help of others I was able to raise the money needed to pay for his cremation and for a viewing for our immediate family. I planned a candle light vigil for that Thursday September 1st at 7:00 pm, which was held at Truxtun Lake (which is were he had accidentally drowned.) The vigil went well, we had a great turn out and it was an emotional yet beautiful time of memories being shared, and Joshua being remembered. The next day we were set to have a private viewing just my siblings, parents, and best friend. I chose the clothes to have him dressed in, and the hat to put on his head. We got to the funeral home and my sister (from my adopted family) Jamie took us in to the chapel there. I hesitated to walk in, I wasn't sure I was ready to come to the final realization that it was my brother laying on the gurney up in the front. Up until this point I had hoped and let myself believe that they could possibly had made a mistaken identity and that Josh wasn't gone at all. As I forced myself to walk in and the doors closed behind me, I looked up to the front and in an instant every muscle in my body went weak and I started feeling as if I was going to fall to the ground. My brother Sam was next to me and grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me through. The instant my eyes hit the front I knew without a doubt in my mind that my beloved brother josh, was indeed gone. It was a hard realization and I don't think I had cried so hard for something in my entire life. My pastor was there and he was able to give words of comfort. I was completely shattered. How can this be? How was this going to be the last time I would ever get to see my brother again. Ever get to hold his hand? Ever get to kiss his cheek? Why was this my reality? I made it through that. Not sure how, but I did. The next day was the funeral. We had a lovely celebration of life for my brother at my home church. I was surprised at the amount of people that showed up. It was truly heart warming to know how many people truly loved him. He left his mark, he made his impact. He will not be forgotten.
Joshua was a lovely soul. He was compassionate and made it his goal to help when he could. He was always going around doing random acts of kindness. Whether it be mowing a lawn for an elderly person, or trimming trees for someone. He would come get food baskets and take it to people he knew didn't have much but had kids to feed. He was always finding little trinkets and giving them to all of us. He would often come to the church and clean up the grounds around the church. Not for pay, not for recognition, it's just what he did. I would sometimes find him really early in the morning watering my grass or trimming my rose bush. That's just what Josh did. He was a giver. He had a tremendous amount of demons he battled on a daily basis. He tried his best overcoming some of the challenges of our childhood and young adolescent years. Through all of it though, he never lost his sense of humor, or his compassion and willingness to bend over backwards for anyone in need. He was a very talented artist, guitarist and loved making people laugh. He came up with some horrible but cherished nicknames for my twin sister Pauline and I when we were very young. She was "Airhead" and I was "Birdbrain" they stuck with us to this day. I guess that's the price we paid for being the only girls out of ten children. I pray Josh has found the peace and happiness he spent so much time looking for here on earth.
It has been a little over four months since I got that dreadful call. I would like to think I am ok. I would like for people to think that everything has gone back to normal and we have all moved on. The truth of the matter is I am not ok. I will never be ok. Life will never be "normal" again. A piece of my life is forever gone. I am left to pick the pieces of my life back up and try to make them fit with a piece missing. My future, my hopes, my dreams, have been forever altered because of the passing of my brother. My soul has been shook. My heart has been shattered. My entire being has been shifted. There is no coming back from that. Only moving forward and trying to repair what has been broken. Yet always wearing the wound and scars of what has happened. Grief is not something that just goes away. It is a life of grief. You learn to live through your grief. You can't live without your grief. But you can live through it. I have been living through it since the end of August. I do what I have to do every day just to get by. I know that I have lost something of myself when my brother left. I am working really hard to find myself again.
I love you Joshua, I love you so much it hurts. I wish I could hug you, I wish you would lean over and whisper in my ear "love you sis, or love you birdbrain." I would give anything to hear those words come out of your mouth one more time. I miss you with every single breath that I take. I am constantly reminded of you. I see people all the time and sometimes for a split second I think it is you. I stilll find your stuff as I'm cleaning out my house and packing it up. I love you, I love you so much. I will miss you until the day I get to see you and hug you again. Rest in paradise my Wolverine.